Oh hey there,
Something came up in a training session this week that I wanted to share, because it’s one of those situations that isn’t uncommon, but we don’t always talk about it openly.
We were exploring what great leadership looks like in practice, and the kinds of challenges that come with it, when one leader shared something that had been weighing on them.
On the surface, they’re a really emotionally aware leader. They value being collaborative. They consciously coach rather than direct. They care about showing up well for their team.
But there was one relationship that just wasn’t landing.
And it had really thrown them.
It was taking up a lot of space. Not just practically, but mentally. A lot of energy going into thinking about how to move things forward, how to get to the goal, how to unblock the situation.
Every conversation felt like it was going round in circles. Slightly tense. Slightly defensive. Both leaving feeling a bit frustrated.
The outcome itself wasn’t the issue.
They both knew where they needed to get to.
But they kept butting heads on how to get there.
So we took it to the floor as a live example.
And one of the most powerful parts of these sessions is the peer-to-peer thinking. Different perspectives. Different lived experiences. People building on each other’s ideas.
But where we landed, and what really stuck, was this:
Work the relationship, not the situation.
Because what was happening here was subtle, but important.
Every time the leader went into a conversation, they were still carrying the outcome. The goal. The destination.
Even with the best intentions.
And that meant the conversation was never really about the person in front of them. It was about getting somewhere.
So we explored a different approach.
Take the outcome off the table. Temporarily.
Not forever. Just for now.
And instead, focus on getting to know that person as they are.
Not through a big, heavy conversation.
Not through trying to “fix” anything.
But through small, consistent moments.
One suggestion that I absolutely loved:
15 minutes a day, for 30 days.
No agenda.
No problem-solving.
No steering towards the goal.
Just being there.
Listening.
Getting curious.
Understanding how they think, what matters to them, how they like to work.
Because when you do that, something shifts.
The pressure drops.
The defensiveness softens.
The relationship starts to rebuild.
And from there, the work becomes easier.
If you find yourself in something similar, a few things that can help:
Short, consistent 1:1s over longer, outcome-driven ones
Walking meetings or coffee catch-ups to change the dynamic and reduce intensity
Lead with curiosity over direction — ask more than you tell
Reflect back what you’re hearing so the other person feels understood
Notice your own energy going in — are you trying to get somewhere, or just be with them?
Because often, the breakthrough doesn’t come from pushing harder on the work.
It comes from softening into the relationship.
And when that shifts, everything else tends to follow.
Cate
Oh hey there,
Something came up in a training session this week that I wanted to share, because it’s one of those situations that isn’t uncommon, but we don’t always talk about it openly.
We were exploring what great leadership looks like in practice, and the kinds of challenges that come with it, when one leader shared something that had been weighing on them.
On the surface, they’re a really emotionally aware leader. They value being collaborative. They consciously coach rather than direct. They care about showing up well for their team.
But there was one relationship that just wasn’t landing.
And it had really thrown them.
It was taking up a lot of space. Not just practically, but mentally. A lot of energy going into thinking about how to move things forward, how to get to the goal, how to unblock the situation.
Every conversation felt like it was going round in circles. Slightly tense. Slightly defensive. Both leaving feeling a bit frustrated.
The outcome itself wasn’t the issue.
They both knew where they needed to get to.
But they kept butting heads on how to get there.
So we took it to the floor as a live example.
And one of the most powerful parts of these sessions is the peer-to-peer thinking. Different perspectives. Different lived experiences. People building on each other’s ideas.
But where we landed, and what really stuck, was this:
Work the relationship, not the situation.
Because what was happening here was subtle, but important.
Every time the leader went into a conversation, they were still carrying the outcome. The goal. The destination.
Even with the best intentions.
And that meant the conversation was never really about the person in front of them. It was about getting somewhere.
So we explored a different approach.
Take the outcome off the table. Temporarily.
Not forever. Just for now.
And instead, focus on getting to know that person as they are.
Not through a big, heavy conversation.
Not through trying to “fix” anything.
But through small, consistent moments.
One suggestion that I absolutely loved:
15 minutes a day, for 30 days.
No agenda.
No problem-solving.
No steering towards the goal.
Just being there.
Listening.
Getting curious.
Understanding how they think, what matters to them, how they like to work.
Because when you do that, something shifts.
The pressure drops.
The defensiveness softens.
The relationship starts to rebuild.
And from there, the work becomes easier.
If you find yourself in something similar, a few things that can help:
Short, consistent 1:1s over longer, outcome-driven ones
Walking meetings or coffee catch-ups to change the dynamic and reduce intensity
Lead with curiosity over direction — ask more than you tell
Reflect back what you’re hearing so the other person feels understood
Notice your own energy going in — are you trying to get somewhere, or just be with them?
Because often, the breakthrough doesn’t come from pushing harder on the work.
It comes from softening into the relationship.
And when that shifts, everything else tends to follow.
Cate
